Relationships are not easy. For gay men especially, these are riddled with insecurities. So if doing something bad makes you feel good, is it still that bad?
Almost all of us are out there looking for someone to share our lives within whatever capacity we can. I am not exactly proud of what I’m writing about. But I will proudly say that it’s the best decision I have ever made. Now before you start calling me names and labeling me, hear me out. Cheating is not right, and I have really regretted it, but this happened nevertheless.
As a gay man on the verge of turning 27, I’ve spent the majority of my life hopping from one unhealthy relationship to another. Each time I hope to find a person who will turn into my whole life. I was fairly settled and living the high life. This led me to enter into two relationships together.
One was a relationship that went from intense and passionate to unhealthy and toxic within months. But as someone so desperate to be validated, I stuck around despite being unceremoniously dumped. But at the same time, an interaction with an unknown person on a gay dating site got etched in my heart. A guy who made me feel like I was living in a fairy tale. He was romantic, encouraging, and close to his family, he was everything I ever wanted in my life partner.
We started spending time together in the best way possible. We would catch up on Friday evenings for dates that would last until Monday. We got along with each other’s friends. We were both glued to our phones throughout the week and fell asleep next to them. It was “perfect,” and I couldn’t remember a time when I was happier. We were pretty sure that we were not in a relationship but shared a strong bond that was not lesser than anything. At the same time, it was difficult for me to maintain relations at both ends and I was feeling guilty about what I was doing. I was tired and over-committed but I did it anyway. It’s not that I wasn’t happy with it, but it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I felt guilty for wanting out of this bad relationship.
So, I cheated on both of them. It was a stupid, impulsive action and it only happened once. I wish I had been brave enough to just walk up to them and confess that I was cheating on them or just end things. For that, I’ll be forever apologetic. I now believe that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.
First love dies hard, but I look back at that relationship with irreplaceable memories and without bad feelings. Just because a relationship ends badly doesn’t mean the relationship itself was bad. I did so many things I would’ve probably never done if we were not together. It was wrong, but I did it too. Call me a slut and a whore and whatever else, but I will still always know that the worst thing that I’ve done to someone else was also the best thing I ever did for myself.
What do you think? Does cheating always mean that the cheater is intentionally hurtful, or are there times when it’s also a reflection of the relationship?
Note: The thoughts in this article are fictional and the view in the article has no bearing on the writer's personal view/life.